Journal: 7/6/2018- Job Struggles

My husband came home last night.  It's been two weeks since I last saw him and he'll leave again tomorrow before the sun comes up. This is his second year doing this seasonal work in the world of watermelons. The gig has been a lifesaver financially, maybe even a lifesaver individually. The whole deal is about 18 weeks and he's basically gone the whole time, except for a few days off. He'll be back sometime around the beginning of August. What will he do then? Well, that's a good question.

We opened Haka Fitness in 2012 as a joint venture and we both love it dearly. For me, it is the culmination of all the stuff swirling in my head. It's fulfilling and exciting and constantly changing. For Mark, not so much. We both told ourselves a story in our head about what all this would look like and how we would feel about it. Most of that hasn't proven to be true. Mark loves the IDEA of owning the gym. He loves the people, and he has enjoyed a lot of the adventure. But none of the pieces have fallen just right for him. 

That all sounds so smooth when I write it out like that. It hasn't been. I have thirty something years of writing stories in my head and then breaking myself (and others) to make the storyline come true. Correction: to TRY to make the storylines come true. I have wanted desperately for my husband to love all of this as much as me and it has been a hard blow (likely for both of us) to accept that he doesn't. "So, what will he do when he comes back?" I get the question close to once a day. I don't know. He doesn't either. What I do know is that it's not mine. It's not my problem to fix for him or my storyline to dream up. I love him completely and I have to stand at the edge of my boundary and let him sort it out. Learning to set this boundary with my husband, my kids, and my family has been critical. It's also been hard as hell. Understanding the things that are mine, though, allows me to continue on my own path without resentment or drama. It frees me to enjoy the spaces where our lives overlap and to be a spectator for the rest, cheering loudly from the edge.

** Further reading: The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend was a gamechanger for me many years ago. I highly recommend it!