Journal: 7/8/2018- I'm so tired

I am so tired. If I was cool, I would say "I am tired AF." I wonder if my 80 yr old self will ever read this. And if so, will I remember what "AF" even means?

*** 80 year old self--> "AF" means really super crazy a lot.... in really not nice words.... ***

Last night I was back sleeping at Mom's house. It kills me. It's necessary, but it literally breaks me. My schedule is set so that I arrive at Haka every day around 4:30 am and I wrap up most days by 11:30. This allows me to get enough working hours without being away from the kids as much when they are awake. This also means that while Mark is gone I have to have a situation where an adult is present when the kids wake up. So most nights, we stay at our house until the last minute. Then we pack up all the necessary things- milk, bottles, diapers, wipes, snacks for the next day, clothes, phone charger, and a million other odds and ends- and head to wherever we are sleeping. Mostly we sleep at my mom's house, as long as she is here. I haul myself out of bed at 3:30 every morning to go back home, care for the animals, and get ready for work.  It's brutal.

It's also a grand adventure. At least, that's what I try to tell my kids. Most days, I am shocked at their willingness to embrace the constant changes. It makes me wonder where else in their lives am I so carefully managing the details that they are missing the chance to become even more fluid. I'm not the most fluid person, afterall. I like routine and schedule, and I love being at home. Framing it all in the context of adventure helps me, too, honestly.

"I don't want to go tonight, Mommy. Why do we have to?" My oldest asked last night.

"I don't want to either, Baby. This is the adventure we are living, though. We are learning super special skills- like super powers- that we will need one day. We don't even know when we'll use them. But every time we go on these adventures, your Super Bubby powers are getting stronger and stronger!"

"Really?" Eyes wide open.


Today, after lunch, we'll all climb into bed together with the lights off and the fan high. I can't wait. There are 99 million other things I likely should be doing. I won't, though. Not today.