Journal 12/15/18- Beginnings and Ends

The Haka House has been a nightmare this last week. It’s been a week of managing sick kids (literally all night long), working, and watching in despair at the tremendous outflow of money at an already expensive time of year. So exhausting. By Thursday, I was so utterly exhausted I couldn’t keep my eyes open another second…. at 6:45 pm. Mark was at work. So I pulled my best parenting move to date. I handed Colt, my almost 4 year old, the TV remote control, snuggled down in the recliner, and provided these words of wisdom, “When you think you an Brix have watched enough TV, and you feel ready for bed, wake me up.” I like to tell myself I was giving him a chance to practice self regulation. What?!?! That’s totally valid.

Oh how the days can be so damn long. And yet I blink to see another year has passed. The 30 minutes before bedtime can last ten eternities. I looked away one day, though, and the dimples on Colt’s knuckles disappeared.

When I was pregnant with my first, I remember a mom of four telling me, “Everything comes to an end, Becca, Everything. I wish I hadn’t rushed some of those ends.” At the time, I was definitely ready for my pregnancy to come to an end and I definitely didn’t grasp the depth of what she was telling me. I have remembered her words often, though. They have helped me remain patient when a baby was crying. Everything comes to an end, Becca… even crying. I have remembered them on the rare occasion a little boy stops to snuggle or runs out of the house to wrap himself around me. Everything comes to an end, Becca. I remembered them most on the night I had to revive my son. Everything comes to an end, Becca.

This has definitely been a week of reminding myself. And inside of that, I realize that all of these ends are also beginnings. Everything comes to an end. Sometimes you are desperate for the end. Sometimes, it comes much too soon. Sometimes it’s a good end, sometimes it’s not. The only choice you seem to have in all of that, is to be so fully invested, so utterly present that the ends are more gentle and the beginnings are more apparent.That’s what I’ve been working on. I know in my heart that these are the most wonderful days of my life. The days of a dirty house will fade. The ever-present need to feed someone will be gone. The tiny boxer briefs with monkeys and lions won’t need to be washed anymore. The disgusting pile of soggy waterbeads in my driveway won’t be there to step in at 4:30 am on my way to work……actually that one, I’m pretty ok with…

This year is coming to an end, yet another in a string of tough years. It’s been a countless cycle of ends and beginnings. I’ve been present for most of it, more than ever before in my life. I’ve truly lived more moments inside of this difficult year than I could ever remember. But they are in there filling my heart.

Everything comes to an end. The secret is to somehow not blink.