8/1/2018- Bailing Water
Dolphins don't sleep. Well, they don't sleep in the way that you or I sleep, at least. Dolphins engage in what is called unihemispheric sleep. That means that one side of their brain shuts down for a period and then the other. They never fully rest in a deep sleep. I call this Dolphin Mode, and if you are a mom, I know you have experienced Dolphin Mode. It's that whirring, light sleep where maybe you can manage to doze off but you wake up unsure if you actually slept and still mid-thought confusing the matter even more. It has been during periods of Dolphin Mode when I have made some of my most epic writings and always in periods of Dolphin Mode when I have made my most difficult decisions.
My boat is barely afloat right now, lest you think I have it all (or anything for that matter) together right now. For the last 6 months, it has been a constant bailing of water that just doesn't seem to make much of a difference. I think you've probably felt this way before. Most people have, right? Periods of high stress happen, they're part of the deal, the Human Experience. But you can't bail water forever. It just isn't possible. I kept thinking this next thing, or that next thing, or Mark coming home, or whatever was going to be the thing that made the leak stop. It hasn't. So today I started the process of plugging the hole, instead.
God, it sucks.
Many moons ago, Mark and I sat down separately and did these LIFE BALANCE worksheets. It was another period of Dolphin Mode, 8 yrs ago. Our answers to those worksheets showed us all the places we were exerting energy that didn't line up with what we said was actually important to us. We quit stuff, we got rid of stuff, we left groups. A lot of it feels like letting people down. Some of it feels like failure. All of it is necessary for me to breathe again. A lot has changed since I first stopped to evaluate why I wasn't feeling fulfilled and it only makes sense that my priorities have changed, too. Deep satisfaction doesn't come from doing a lot of stuff. It comes from doing the stuff that really matters to you.
If you are killing yourself bailing water, maybe you'd like to stop and see if you could just plug the hole, too?