Journal 9/13/18- Dark Spaces and Deep Layers

I fear connection. To really connect with someone is so personal. Yet, to give that connection is the ultimate gift. Connection is a personal investment and a selfless gift. The more you give, the more deeply invested you become, and the more you risk emotionally.

I found this in my car yesterday. and just stared at it.


My son loves to photocopy his hand when he comes to Haka Fitness. He apparently gave this to me at one point and I tucked it away. When I unfolded it and saw what it was, I was a bit overwhelmed with emotion. It surprised me.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love the members of Haka Fitness. I’m always talking about putting away your cell phone, getting off social media, and being present with people. But it suddenly struck me that there is still another layer to that. I like to be with people DOING something. When I’m with my kids, I’m still cleaning or cooking or hiking or playing. When I’m with my husband, we’re working in the yard or jogging or running errands. When I’m with the Tribe, we are hitting some weights, struggling to breathe, or I’m leading some sort of informational class. Those things are all great. They are not really connecting, though.

Ida Mundell (<- do you follow her on IG? You should!) was recently teaching at our Women’s Summit on Cultivating A Culture of Connection in Your Home. She had some great things to say and I scratched these questions at the top of my page: “Do I know the lines of my children’s hands? Have I memorized the eyes of the people I love? Did I stop what I was doing today to really listen to someone talking to me?”

I can already tell you that the answer is no. That level of presence and connection is foreign to me. That level of presence and connection makes me vulnerable. That level of presence and connection, though, is the real deal. It’s the good stuff. Yesterday, staring at the frozen image of my oldest son’s hand, I became immensely aware that I still have so much more work to do. I have so many dark spaces in my heart still shielded from the light and so many layers still waiting to be uncovered.